For Mature Audiences Only

Passion. Lust. "I have to have you right now".
That is what Im craving... even if its dangerous, even if its not smart. I want it. I crave it.
Attraction and Sex

This may be terrible...But is it so terrible? To want that feeling?
Its been a long time since I have had that "I have to have you right now" feeling.
Dont get me wrong, I of course want this to be mutual.
Where is this guy? Who is this guy? I dont know. But Im ready for him.
Not to depend on, not to need, but to want, to desire. Not someone who consumes my time, or my life. But an extra part that I add. That I fit in.
Not someone who I fall in love with, just someone who I get excited to see.
Not someone who just has me along with other women. Someone who feels this way about me as I do him.
Ha!! This is a dream right?
Well I guess I better get to sleep

K

ps...I hope this dream comes true ;)

Venting

Tomorrow is my mom's 14th anniversary of the day she died. I really never understood why they call it an anniversary...Still think they need to come up with a better word to explain events like that.
Anyway, So I am driving to get Kala and go to her grave. Although I dont want to go anymore. Im almost thinking about making up an excuse to not got.
But Im going. Blah
I really dont feel like driving is the main thing...but I cant not got because of that. I would feel so selfish.

So it doens't look like I am going to see him this Wednesday. Im actually disappointed. I dont know why exactly. I died my hair dark Saturday and was going to look really good and different. So I guess I was just hoping to see him so he would have to see me. I really didn't want to see him. Is that terrible?
Is it terrible that I dont want him to be happy? Is it terrible that im mad that when he sees my family they are nice to him? Is it terrible that I want his little girlfriend to fail out of school?
Yes, I suppose it is. But I really dont care.

-K

Odd

So I used to enjoy grocery shopping. But now I never want to go, and when I do go its just to buy what I need right then and not what I need for the rest of the week/month. Weird.
I have also started this weird thing where I crave milk and cookies. Night time mostly.
its like a comfort at night thing I guess?? Hmm...who knows
Everything is changing right?

Im too tired to write anymore. I think thats a good sign. Oh...and I also had a pickle for dessert instead of milk and cookies :)
Back to normal a little?...

(Plus all the cookies are starting to show)

-Need to workout

K

First Old Notebook Entry

Its late. I should be sleeping. But once again, as usual, Im not tired. Even though I probably am tired, I just cant stop my brain.

I have to be up at 6:15...well that is when my alarm goes off. I usually wont get up until almost 7, which sucks because then I am in a rush. Then I cant look my best...and I usually show up late.

Yes, this is a habbit I need to break.



So, I am single. Hmmm...I stared at the word 'single' for a while just now. Not only am I single...but Im damaged and single. That sucks.

Today is Monday night. I have to see him again for the first time since we broke up next Wednesday. (we broke up Aug 27)

Not sure how that is going to be.

Honestly, thinking about him just makes me numb. Looking at his pictures its like I feel nothing. I think its because he just feels like a completely different person to me now. I should miss him, but there is no 'him'. He, the guy I knew, isn't there.

Its been just over a month and he is already in another relationship. Haha

I just laughed to myself.

I think that their 'relationship' is ultimately going to fail. But is that just me hoping? Or wishing?

I dont know.

Obviously I dont know anything. Im just a girl who has been lied to and cheated on, Lol.
There are countless girls out there going through this. Im nothing to be pittied. I dont pitty me.
I pitty him.
Im still really close with his sister...is that smart? I dont know...but I love her terribly!

Its weird. One moment you can picture your future, and the next...you have no idea.

"Carpe Diem"

-K